


The Birds and the Bees Also Known as the Birds and the Bats

by PunandOnly



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Gen, Tim doesn't know what a period is, he doesn't know what anything is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 12:09:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7267558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PunandOnly/pseuds/PunandOnly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tim doesn't know who Aunt Flow is, he doesn't know what anything is. Dick ends up pulling the short stick and has to play sex ed teacher.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Birds and the Bees Also Known as the Birds and the Bats

**Author's Note:**

> All thanks to tumblr user westwinterblue and their text post for giving me this idea.

Everyone’s winding down from their patrols (except for Tim and Bruce who are winding up after finding a new lead on a particularly tough case) when they hear Steph groan from the lockers. Dick looks over from his sparring with Damian, bad move. The kid takes the advantage to knock him down. 

“You okay Steph?” Tim doesn’t look up from his keyboard.

“Yeah I’m good, I’m gonna need the week off though. My Aunt Flow came to visit.” Steph walks out of the locker area wearing sweatpants and a loose shirt. She cringes and rubs her hip. 

Tim looks up and takes her in with a quizzical expression. “You have an aunt?” He looks down as if reconsidering his life and whispers “How did I miss that?”

Steph laughs. “No Tim, it’s not my aunt, it’s shark week.”

He tilts his head to the side and squints. “I thought Discovery scheduled that for next week?”

Dick looks over from the floor. “No Tim. It’s mother nature’s monthly gift.”

Tim looks at Dick as if he’s grown two heads. “Did Ivy rename herself? Why is she giving Steph mothly gifts? More importantly why are you accepting them, that’s dangerous.”

Damian glares at Tim. “Are you fooling with us or are you really just this stupid Drake?”

“Hey! If anyone’s fooling around it’s you guys!”

Jason takes the chance to hand Steph a water and some Midol from the med supplies. “So you don’t know what any of this means?”

“None of it, are you guys coming up with new code words or something? I can’t be the only one of the loop.” He turns to Bruce looking for support. Bruce is steadfastly looking down avoiding Tim’s gaze while finishing his work. He already has an idea of why Tim has no idea what these things are and frankly he’s managed to mostly avoid having to talk to his children about these kinds of things for over ten years. He doesn’t plan on starting now. 

Tim’s eyebrows furrow when Bruce shows no apparent emotion. 

Jason walks further towards Tim. “Riding the crimson wave? On the rag? Getting your garage painted? The communists are in the fun house? None of these make any sense to you?”

Tim shakes his head. “Should they?”

Jason continues with a sneaking suspicion. “The birds and the bees? Fun times? Bumping uglies?”

Tim squints. “Bumping what?”

Bruce takes that moment to wrap his things up and dart upstairs. 

“Coward!” Dick shouts after him.

Damian has his father’s sense of self preservation. He makes a run for the stairs too. Jason stops him grabbing an arm and turning him around, not for the kids lack of trying to get away though. 

“While we’re at it? Dami you know the birds and the bats right?” Jason questions. 

Dick looks at him and prays because explaining it to one of them who’s almost _18_ is hard enough let alone his assassin baby little brother. 

Damian scoffs. “Of course I know Todd. Mother ensured my education was complete and well rounded. Now release me.”

Jason lets him go and the kid runs to and up the stairs. Steph shakes her head and follows after him.

“I’m gonna leave this to you two. Have fun!” She waves over her shoulder and jumps out of the way of Dick’s grasp. 

Tim looks between the two remaining members of his family. “The birds and the bats?”

Dick pinches the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. Jason tries to sneak away. Dick lashes out and the grip on Jason’s shoulder is steel. 

Jason groans. “Dickie bird let me go, you’re so much better at explaining these things.”

“She said the _two_ of us Jason. Two! If I have to do this you do too!”

“Guys?” Tim questions. 

Dick sits in the chair Bruce vacated, Jason pulls one over from another monitor. 

“Okay Tim, let’s start with some questions. How much do you know about sex and sex ed?”

Tim gives Dick a weird look. “I know sex is when people make babies, but mother and father always opted me out of sex ed. They told me everything I needed to know.”

“And what exactly was that kid?”

“Well, that when men and women decide a child would be best they have sex beneath blankets and then nine months after pregnancy a baby is born.”

Jason raises an eyebrow. “Sex isn’t always about making kids.”

“Why else would you do it?”

“It can be fun.”

“How is exchanging sperm fun?”

Dick splutters. “Exchaning sperm? I guess that’s one way to put it.”

Tim nods. “Yeah, the mother and father exchange sperm like pollen and the father injects it into the mother and impregnates her.”

Jason looks over Tim to Dick. Dick ignores him. 

“Okay, and what about the process of pregnancy and what happens if someone with a uterus isn’t pregnant?”

“Then it just sits there. Doesn’t it?” Tim looks panicked when no one agrees. 

“How do you not know this? You’re girlfriend was pregnant for fucks sake.”

“Looks like we got our work cut out for us.” Dick says pulling up the slide show he had used with Jason and anyone else who asked. Updated through the years of course. 

Tim looks dazed when the three of them leave the Batcave and go upstairs. The others in the family are waiting in a sitting room. Dick is glaring at Bruce and Jason is muttering to himself. 

“Kid thought people have sex like fucking plants, christ and this entire time I thought he was banging Superboy.”

Steph waves her hand in front of Tim’s eyes when he sits next to her. “Earth to Timmy, you doin okay there? It’s a lot to process.” 

Tim looks up. “They had pictures and diagrams and how did I not know any of this? This explains so many things that Bart says OH MY GOD THAT’S WHY BRUCE ALWAYS SNEAKS AWAY WITH SELINA.” He looks at Bruce with horror than turns to Dick.

“AND YOU AND BABS?”

Dick nods. 

Tim looks away processing all this new information. This explains so many things that happen at Titans Tower. 


End file.
